Clay

Ever since i was little i’ve felt like a fresh and moist piece of clay.

In the beginning, people around me like my parents and my own brothers and sister were like the hands who gave shape to what i’ll later become. The situations i found myself in, the decissions i made were primarily so because of how i was shaped from the beginning. So, in a way, my parents and my brothers have a lot to do on how i am today.

Later when i grew up and no longer depended so much on my parents, i started to give shape to myself by choosing the people i wanted to be surrounded by. I was more confortable spending time and being around certain people than others because of various reasons that i felt appropiate in different points of my life. Those people i called my friends.

I’ve got in contact with many people and i’ve stayed in contact with a few. Probably and even without awareness sometimes, I picked people with certain personalities. People that had aspects in their lifes that i appreciated and in a way, i wanted them to become part of me. Take it from them, or better said, copy them and make whatever the quality they had a part of my own.

I’ve come to a point now when im starting to see that i’ve also chosen the people i dislike. Not my enemies, but people i wouldnt like to be around and people i wouldnt like to be alike. The same way i got close to the people i respected and admired, i also defined the people i didnt like, and in a way, i’ve tried to become the opposite of what they represent. So indirectly, they’ve also shaped how I am.

As the saying goes “becareful of what you wish, because you might get it”. And i’d have to say “becareful of what you dont wish, because you might get it too”.

I gotta be careful of whom i hate as much as whom i like because both will make an impact on me.

Of course, the fresh and moist clay is becoming drier and harder as time passes by, and soon, there wont be any more shaping, but keeping the integrity of the structure safe from being broken.

As my personality and beliefs that were once like clay become more and more solid, my perception of things change, and the sense of right and wrong have deeper roots in me.

Integrity

I try my best everyday conciously or unconsciously.  I’m not always aware and I’m not always successful, but i do keep it in mind. I’m proud of myself when i am consequent with my core values and ashamed when i’m not.

As when it comes to other people, I have a lot of respect for those who keep their integrity and I am pityfull and sorry for those who don’t.

This very moment

I think i’ve already posted something like this some while ago, but i feel like doing it again today so, here it is:

Ever since I was a child i’ve had a great life. Even if i didnt appreciate it, i had very good experiences and wonderful chances thanks to my parents mostly. When i grew up and was in my teenage years, i started to realise how fortunate I was with the life i had. And in my twenties, i thanked my parents for everything they did for me, everything they stopped doing too.

Some days are good, some are bad, but the overall is higher than average. Much higher. Sometimes i forget about this and i get angry for no reason. I know i shouldnt be even upset with the life i have, but this happens. It happened yesterday. Out of nowhere, anger and rage came out and i felt very bad. Luckly, it didnt last long and i managed to control it in a reasonable time.

This morning i realised again how lucky I am. How fortunate i am of having the friends i have, and having so many opportunities. Its a feeling of being concious and aware of whatever you are doing at the same moment. Watching yourself from outside and realising what you’re up to. It’s like driving your car: When i first started, i was fully aware of everything. As time passed, it became more of a habit and i didnt have to pay much attention because i took some things for granted. This feeling im talking about is like being aware of the gear you’re driving after 12 years of driving experience. A kind of awakening.

In this very moment, i cant feel but happy. And it’s great.