Future

When i was just a child there was no such thing as a future. All I cared about was the present. Living the very moment of each day.

Then i started to get concious of the past and the near future. What happened, what was going to happen if i did this or i didnt. The future after an action. The result of my choices…but my sight didnt get very far. Maybe 1 or 2 years ahead.

I did take some risks in the past, without really knowing what they trully meant in that moment, without really understanding how those choices were going to make me take the paths I’ve now taken. Some doors cannot be closed after a certain time as some ways cannot be undone.

I’m now standing at the point where i’m realising that some of the choices i’ve made have put me where i am now. There is no return as one cannot un-burn a match. Once it’s done, it’s done. For good or for bad, one has to live with it.

I’m now realising more and more about the long term consequences of my actions. Not just 1 or 2 years away from now, but maybe 10 or 20 years. And this scares me. What i do now will put me where i’ll stand tomorrow. The choices cannot be taken without thinking at least a bit. Time runs fast and the time when “ah, it doesnt matter…we’re still young” is comming close to an end. I can feel it, breathing next to me. That time when “no matter what one did, it was alright because there was plenty of time ahead” is about to finish, and the actions we make now, the paths we take, will set our journey to the future.

Anything is still possible, but the feeling of no way back is very present. I have to play my cards wisely, because the deck is getting smaller as time passes by, and sooner or later, i will have to play my last cards.

As poker players, i will have to start playing with someoneelse’s cards rather than mine.

The bottom line of all this is: Now that i still can, I gotta get my game moving, set my strategy to get to where I want, what i want and how i want. the sooner the better.

I’m starting to give shape to what i want. It’s just a feeling now, growing inside me slowly. Its now only a flame, but i gotta make it bigger and bigger. Make it a burning desire to get what i want until there is no other option but to get it. A straight vision of will to what its now blurry in my sight.

I feel anxious, big expectations of something i dont even know. Something big is about to come. That’s how i feel now. I’m wondering what the near future will bring me that will set my long term future. I cannot wait, and rather than just standing here and now, i feel the urge to start running…but where?

I picture myself now standing in a flat soil. Lights are out and i feel the light is gonna turn on any second. I’m getting myself ready to get a new start. It’s all in my head now. Everything’s black and one cannot see anything. The place is full of hopes, but nothing is real yet. I know i cannot just start running and decide, make my mind on the way or change directions as i go. I need to turn the light on first and be ready to thinki twice, see the pros&cons of where i head to because nothing is black and white anymore, and some choices are not as easy as they seem.

Whatever the choice I make, i’ll have to stick with it for some time, try my best to make it work and not just try and let go, because time run fast and the deck is getting smaller and smaller with every sunrise.