Right here & Right now

Some months ago, my sister did a intelligence test on me and the results were revealing. One of the things she said was that i had a bad memory. I agreed.

I tend to write down what i have to do so i dont have to remember it.

I think i read it somewhere: The best way to do anything was focusing 100% on what you were doing in that very moment without distracting yourself in any other thing. It is hard to get things done if you’re thinking about what happened last week or what you have to do tomorrow or the next week.

I stopped writing down what i had to, and my memory is getting lazy…so i find myself sometimes taking this “focus on what you are doing right now” idea to the extrem. And it’s becoming a bit of a problem sometimes. I dont like to keep my mind busy with things that are not what i have to do in each moment, and im having some trouble planning things ahead. I do things as they come, I live today and right now as if it was the only important thing.

I feel im loosing the big picture. I enjoy more or less what i do, but i am unable to plan ahead. This doesnt worry me since i know i will be able to get whatever comes done, but it bothers me somehow.

I guess this is one of the downsides of being totally ok with everything. Or almost anything. If it rains, im ok. If i have to go here, its ok. If instead i have to go there, its still ok. I dont care much ‘cos i know i will be fine anywhere.

I lost a bit of motivation, ambition, willingness to do stuff. I’ve been like this for a few weeks now and im trying to figure out why. Lack of interest for things, people, situations…i just dont care. The fact that nothing bothers me, bothers me. Im not feeling confortable and i need to be willing to do something. Something i really enjoy doing. Doing things for myself, things i like, things i want to…But right now, im not. I dont find myself willing to do things just because i feel like. I do things because i have to, im supposed to or because someone told me i should. I’m letting other people guide me and take me anywhere. I follow them as long as i feel like, with no special interest or purpose.

My mind is blank. Like a new sheet of paper. Totally white. I dont care if people write on it. I dont care if people draw whatever they feel like. I’m alright with it. I basically feel ok with anything, ‘cos i still think i can always take a new sheet of paper and start writing whatever i want. The past will mean nothing. Whatever i feel like i will be able to write…but what do i want? Haha. The eternal question. What do i need? Right now, to be honest, i’d say nothing. I’m ok with what i have. And if i sometimes feel i’d like a change, my inner motivation is not strong enough to get me out of my present state.

I’m sure of what i dont want, but if i ask myself right here & right now: What do i want?…I dont know.