business is business

Today i have realized what this sentence means: Business is business. no hard feelings. It’s just business.

As sad as it may sound, i totally understand it and I have realized that sometimes one has to look for his own well being and be an egoist motherfucker. No hard feelings. It’s just business.

I’ve been working in this job for a bit longer than a year. My first “real” job. I was putting all my effort and hopes, willingness and dreams in it. It all started off well as when you fall madly in love with something or someone: Everything’s perfect, it’s all advantages and there is no way things can be better. After 6 months, things start to not look so great. One or two “bad episodes” happen and you start to realize that maybe is not as great as you thought on the first place…but still, you like the job, enjoy the people, and well, you’re getting paid, so ok. A year after this, you start thinking and trying to make things your way and not just “the way is supposed to”, you start wondering why this is this way and not the other one, you start asking questions and you get to know how the job is: Advantages and also disadvantages. Still, you trust the company and the people who are in charge, so you keep on.

Its going to be almost 3 months since i passed my 1st year. 2 weeks ago i really understood how my job is. 2 weeks ago, this crisis that everyone’s knows about and that is all over the news hit on my company. 2 of my fellow coworkers were fired. A drastic measure to cope with the year’s forecast. They were fired 4 hours after they were told the company was going through a bad moment and some of the people would have to leave in order to let the company survive.

Today i’ve realized it was just business. No hard feelings. Numbers and results is everything that counts in business. As cold as it sound, a simple as a math result.

Today i’ve realised that the same way any company looks for its interests and the best way to survive and make profit, I have to do the same. If i can get more money in some other place, i should do so. No hard feelings. It’s just business. If i think i’m not getting the money i should, i have to speak it out. Make my point and get more.

If i put all my hopes and effort in company “A” and i get, let’s say 100, and there is a company B where putting all my hopes and effort will make me earn 300…which one should i choose? Well, numbers are numbers.

It’s not all about money, of course. The work itself has to be attractive and challenging. The people you work with also make a big difference. But in same conditions of people and work…i dont think there should be such thing as “loyalty” to the company. Not now. Not today that i’ve realized that the company will not show any loyalty back. It’s normal. That’s the way things go in business. If you dont like it, dont get into it.

As long as you do your job and make the company make his money, you’ll keep the job. If the company depends on you, you’ll keep the job. If none of the previous premises are true, the company will “let you go”. That’s business.

Right here & Right now

Some months ago, my sister did a intelligence test on me and the results were revealing. One of the things she said was that i had a bad memory. I agreed.

I tend to write down what i have to do so i dont have to remember it.

I think i read it somewhere: The best way to do anything was focusing 100% on what you were doing in that very moment without distracting yourself in any other thing. It is hard to get things done if you’re thinking about what happened last week or what you have to do tomorrow or the next week.

I stopped writing down what i had to, and my memory is getting lazy…so i find myself sometimes taking this “focus on what you are doing right now” idea to the extrem. And it’s becoming a bit of a problem sometimes. I dont like to keep my mind busy with things that are not what i have to do in each moment, and im having some trouble planning things ahead. I do things as they come, I live today and right now as if it was the only important thing.

I feel im loosing the big picture. I enjoy more or less what i do, but i am unable to plan ahead. This doesnt worry me since i know i will be able to get whatever comes done, but it bothers me somehow.

I guess this is one of the downsides of being totally ok with everything. Or almost anything. If it rains, im ok. If i have to go here, its ok. If instead i have to go there, its still ok. I dont care much ‘cos i know i will be fine anywhere.

I lost a bit of motivation, ambition, willingness to do stuff. I’ve been like this for a few weeks now and im trying to figure out why. Lack of interest for things, people, situations…i just dont care. The fact that nothing bothers me, bothers me. Im not feeling confortable and i need to be willing to do something. Something i really enjoy doing. Doing things for myself, things i like, things i want to…But right now, im not. I dont find myself willing to do things just because i feel like. I do things because i have to, im supposed to or because someone told me i should. I’m letting other people guide me and take me anywhere. I follow them as long as i feel like, with no special interest or purpose.

My mind is blank. Like a new sheet of paper. Totally white. I dont care if people write on it. I dont care if people draw whatever they feel like. I’m alright with it. I basically feel ok with anything, ‘cos i still think i can always take a new sheet of paper and start writing whatever i want. The past will mean nothing. Whatever i feel like i will be able to write…but what do i want? Haha. The eternal question. What do i need? Right now, to be honest, i’d say nothing. I’m ok with what i have. And if i sometimes feel i’d like a change, my inner motivation is not strong enough to get me out of my present state.

I’m sure of what i dont want, but if i ask myself right here & right now: What do i want?…I dont know.