Am I getting old?

I “stopped” going out 4 days a week…am I getting old?…

There are several reason: Money management, I dont feel like it sometimes but the main one is because I have to get up at fucking 6h30 am every morning…that’s a big handicap if one plans to go out till 2 or so.

Nevermind, gotta go out for a bit

Restless weekend

I have spent the last 4 days in Switzerland with Rafa and other friends. Good times.

Eventhough the plans we made on the first place changed competly as soon as we arrived (some flu-virus infected the whole weekend house we were going to go to), we enjoyed it quite as much.

On friday, we left our luggage and took a tour around Zurich. Nice easy walk around the city center and surroundings. Then dinner at my friend’s and back home at 1.

Saturday started at 6h30. We woke up, packed and headed down to Fluesenberger ski resort where we spent the day. Back to Zurich and dinner with some other people.

We woke up at 6h30 again on Sunday. This time we went to Wildhaus. Another village right on the other side of the mountain where we went the day before. This time the slopes were great. Riding downhill, trying some tricks…I fell badly a couple of times. Hit my face, chin, lips, ribs and my arms were pretty damaged too…  On sunday evening we met with my friend Marua and went to this place called “El Lokal”. Quite a good ambience. Great talk and laughs.

Monday morning.7 am. Up again for our last day. We went for a quick visit to Luzern. Walk around the city, some sight-seeing and back to Zurich’s airport to take the plane back. Dead tired, nose dripping, muscles aching…We definedly made the most out of these 4 days.

Tomorrow i gotta go back to work. I hope i make it through the day without falling asleep.

Awake Aware Alive

I’m awake, aware and alive.

Eager to learn

about love

about life.

From this day on I’ll live

my life as fully as I can

and never let again a moment run.

I’ll flow, adapt and let go

like water in a fall

reinventing myself as time comes.

The future lies ahead

untold

unknown.

I’ll enjoy every second before it fades

and make the most out of today.

This i’ll say to myself everyday

from this day on

to my gloam.

Ego

Sometimes one does things and doesnt ask for money but for a “thanks”.  Have you ever been in that situation?  You do something and the person offers you money in return, and you just say “no, a thank you is enough”. It happens to me a lot.

Each time someone thanks me i feel they are making my ego, my self steem bigger. Sometimes a “thank you” has more value than money. Sometimes one needs to feed the inside more than the material outside.

I have been founding myself these days with the need of a “thank you”. All i do is all im supposed to do, and so there is no place for a thank you as i am doing what i should. But sometimes, it’s nice to hear “thank you”.

I have this “battle” inside me where I want to have a big ego, feel special, feel unique and at the same time, i know having a big ego will blindfold me from many things, so I guess i’ll have to find a middle point. A balance between these two opposite thoughts. An ego with a size big enough, something i feel confortable with and small enough to handle it easily and without problems.  Should i get a size S, M, L or XL?

Sunday

I like sundays to be easy. Late breakfast, chilling afternoon, relaxed evening and early bed. Time for myself to fully enjoy the day. Thinking about the past week and the following 6. Listening to music and feeling the day pass by.

I started reading this book called “New man for the new millenium”, from Osho. A friend lent me the book last wednesday and I thought it would be a good time to start. I’ll let you know what i thought about it when i finish it, but so far it’s looking good.

I might hang out with some friends i went out with last night. A coffee or whatever, talking in a bar, laughing and remembering last night’s party…

Meeting with the boss

I had a meeting today with “the big boss” who came all over from France and my boss to talk about how the company was going and how i was doing.

To sum up the 3h meeting: They’re happy with my performance so far and as I have said before, im happy too, so everyone’s happy. Good.

They shortened the 6 months trial work period to 4. They offered me a full work contract and I agreed (although no papers have been signed yet). What is also good is that i’m getting some goodies in this “new” stage: A car (all expenses paid including gas), a credit card and a cell phone. This of course have another side: Availability.

Its a tricky thing because i’m getting opposite things at the same time: Freedom of movement (i can keep the car for weekends and the cell phone for personal use too)  and at the same time I have to always be ready for work…mmm.

A picture has come up to my mind right now: Before I was a puppy that could run freely on the house’s backyard and now i became a dog that can walk as far as I want but with a chain around my neck.

The  message I get is “you’re free as long as we dont need you”. And something tells me they’re gonna need me and “use” me as much as they can. That’s the reality. But hey, i’m cool with that so far…

Any comments? (they will be highly appreciated)

Future Expectations

Im so into “today” at the minute, that planning 1 month ahead seems like an impossible task. So many things I wanna do, but right now, the future is totally open. I could go wherever I want and do whatever I pleased to. Its kinda scary somehow, to just say to oneself: What would you really want to do?

No excuses. No I dont have time, money, its complicated…A simple question: What do you want to do? Putting it in another way: If you had just 1 more day to live, how would you want to spend it? What would you change out of your regular life? What would you try to do different from what you do normally?

My answer would be: Nothing. I am living as I want now. I like the my job, the people around me…Sure I would change this and that here and there, but Im satisfied with the whole.

What about you?

The worst bus driver in the world

I met her today. She works on line 5 in Valdemoro (Madrid, SPAIN), “driving” from the train station to the place where I work.

Actually driving might be too much to describe what she does, ‘cos she just steers the driving wheel and…and that’s about it. The least professional driver around. I wonder how she got her license on the first place. I’m not trying to sound like an ass, but you should have been there. Incredible.

In a 10km run which took her around 25 mins she forgot closing the back door, opening it in another stop, she didnt stop in a bus stop and stopped forever in a roundabout waiting for someone to let her pass. She was running 30 mins late and still took her time to make 2 phone calls while taking her time to enjoy and taste a cig…I couldnt stop overhearing her saying she had a traffic accident the day before and wasnt going to speed over 40 today.

She didnt.

I dont know if i was the only one on the bus pissed off but i doubt it since we all were late for work today. The only good thing about getting on that bus was the moment you stepped off. What a relief!

I guess she just had a bad morning. Everyone has one every once in a while…but next time I hope not to get on her bus.

Songs & Moments

Its interesting how we associate certain songs with moments in our lives. It happens to me a lot. Happy times, past times…

Nirvana’s “Rape me” reminds me of summer in the states, Norah Jones’ “Sunrise” of the easy going afternoons in the first place i live when i moved out. I spent more than a month listening every single day 8h a day to the same Julieta Venegas’ first CD, so everytime i listen to any of the songs, i just cant stop picturing myself but sitting in the lab, trying to figure out a way for the equations to make sense with reality…

Many more to come, experiences and songs. Many more…

I dont know why i get in this mood when i listen to Norah…

…but i do.

Random Thoughts

So here is a bunch of thoughts that have been hopping in and out of my head for the past days:

Who are you people?

I can get stats on how many people visit this blog, and the past few weeks have been “unusual”. Around 40-50 people have visited every day this blog and im really wondering who. Not that i NEED to know, ‘cos all this blog is a personal excercise as a way to clear up my thoughts and put them in order. I found some time ago that writing helps me to know what i want and where i stand towards life experiences and situations. Helps me express what i think. On the other hand, knowing who you are would be interesting. I only know of 3 or 4 people who read it, so im really asking for the rest of you to drop a comment or a “hi” so i know who you are. I know you’re there!…so come out of the dark and uncover yourself.

I kind of feel like someone from ‘Lost’ (by the way, the 4th season is out and I cant wait to see what happens). For me, you are “The others”. I know you are there. Now i wanna know who you are and why are you reading these posts.
Again, you are free to do whatever you want, and i will be more than ok with whatever decission you take.

This brings me to another thought:

Sometime ago i got to a conclusion that has been present in every decission i have taken ever since. This state of mind, this inner peace which i recall almost every day has brought me to a position where i can sometimes feel as if i was in a dead flat water lake when all around me is falling apart and drawning in the middle of a raging black ocean storm. Maybe i pictured it in a very dramatic way… Nothing shocking has really happened to me lately, but still, i think i can say i have a much better sense of acceptance than a year ago. By acceptance i want to mean “being ok with whatever happens in life” whether is good or bad, i always try to stay cool. Nothing is as good or as bad as it seems at first. Nothing is “the best that one could have imagined” or “the worst that could have happened”.

Im living with a relaxed state of mind at the moment. Not too stressed, not worried, no hard feelings, no regrets. Emptyness. Not a “i-dont-give-a-shit” indiferent emptiness but a “im-cool-with-everything” happiness.

Well, that’s all for now boys and girls. This double-post sunday special has come to an end. I will be waiting for a sign, comment or thought….or not.