I Want vs I Should

“I know its a bad and pointless thing to do…but i’ll do it anyways”

I have been finding myself in this situation lately and its been keeping me busy like a bee.

My “What do I want, what would make me happy right now” ideas crashed frontally with my “What should i do, what would be the best long term decission” ideas…And im telling you, the choices one take are not always the ones one should.

Sometimes one makes a decission because one feels like doing it in that very moment, despite the fact that deep down inside one knows its wrong and wont benefit oneself in any way, but its just the instant satisfaction what one seeks and the big picture gets blury.

“I should do this, ‘cos i know its the right thing to do…but i just feel like doing this other thing that goes the opposite way”. How many of us have been in this situation? I have been there many times believe me. Specially when studying I’ve thought many times “I should study every day and take it seriously at least 1 month before the exams start…but i just dont feel like”. I know i’m gonna be fucked up when exams come…but i just “cant” do it. I dont feel like doing it even if i know its gonna be bad for me in the long term.

A guy who knows he needs to study everyday even if he doesnt feel like and finally forces himself to sit every afternoon and open the books is a person with great will and mental strength. Remember, is a person who does not like to study, but he does it because he knows its good for his future. Is not a person who enjoys reading about a subject and can sit and read for hours because he likes it.

I say that that person has to be of a great mental strength because he has to to be able to split himself in two: The I-want side and the I-should side and make the second tell the first what to do in such a strong way, the I-want side would have no other choice but do it even if he doesnt feels like to.

Another situation i’ve experienced lately is with relationships, and here comes my point of all this long post: When it comes to girls and relations and the “i want” collides with the “i should”, i find myself with one passionated side and another rational side fighting with each other to overtake control of my actions.

I know people whose passionated side overtakes everytime in a relation. Maybe I’m wrong but I’d like to think I’m more ruled by the rational side in general, but sometimes it gets hard. Really hard. Specially if the girl is hot and has that something you dont know what the fuck it is but keeps you thinking about her all day and all night. Why cant i just let go and flow with the moment? Maybe i think too much. Maybe is because im used to make plans for everything, and if i can come up with a comprensible plan in seconds that suits the situation, i’ll just do it.

I’ve told myself a couple of times: “i know its wrong but…fuck it Miguel, relax a bit, enjoy life and enjoy these moments. Who knows when you will have another great chance like this again. Take it, take it, it’s alright”. That’s my passionated side talking to my rational side. And i admit I’ve done it a few times now.

But when i’ve had a hard on and my whole body has been red hot with steam comming out of my ears and i’ve heard this voice inside me saying “Stop, stop it right there. What are you gonna get out of this? What’s the point in the long run? Is this gonna make any difference? Think about how this will affect you and the other…” I knew it was my rational side dressed in black and with glasses. Straight face expression and a cold and heartless motherfucker attitude. A side that was telling me to think twice, three times or as many as I needed to to realize i shouldnt do what i was about to even if it had been the last thing i’d had done in my life. A voice that told me to make a 180º turn and start walking even if all my other senses were telling me not to.

Doing the right thing and choosing the right path aint always the easiest thing to do (otherwise, everyone would). There are tough moments when one has to take the decission that one think is the best for the future, no matter how tempting the present choice is. Its not always easy, and has to be understood by others when they see a person taking a from-all-sights a bad choice instead of the other.

Its a choice taken in the present that will only make sense in the future when looking back in the past.

It doesnt mean i’m giving up on my thoughts, dreams and goals H. I’ll always leave the door open in case the path i take spins and leads me back to a changed present point in the future. A better timing someone would say, a second chance others.