20h00: Mental Breakdown

It finally happened last weekend.

After a crappy week full of work and things to do, shit started to pile up around me and i had no idea which one to go for first.As i was undecided, trying to figure out the best way, the things just kept on comming without stop and i started to feel more and more fed up with the situation.

I was mad at myself and quite stressed by saturday evening. People around me seemed to give me just problems to be solved and no one came to me trying to help me or even ask me how i was doing.

In fact, thinking about the year so far, i can count with the fingers of one hand the number of people who have come to me asking me “hello, what can i do for you?”.

I’m quite proud on myself, and find pretty hard to ask for help cos i really dont think i need it most of the time, but i found out that i need mental support to carry on when the going gets tough. Feed back on what i do, know i’m doing the right thing (even if i know it myself, i’m glad to hear it from someone else from time to time). I’m not asking for a cheerleader to give me some fake happiness. I’m talking about facts. Its difficult. The balance between “being close” and “being over”.

I let people get as close as they want to as long as they’re confortable and i’m ok with it too. But i never let anyone get over me. Or at least i try. Try to set the limit line. How far can they go with me.

I cant stand people who are over me, in my vital space, rushing me and pushing me. I get annoyed pretty quickly when that happens and i get usually mad. Tend to close myself and that’s one of the main reasons why i guess it’s hard to help me when i’m that way.

I havent been able in all these years to fake my mood. Whenever i was mad at someone for some reason, and that got me into a bad mood, i was in that mood with everyone i met. I know it could have been unfair, but i just cant fake being happy and smily when i’m stressed and mad inside. Not for a long time at least.

I need time and space. I always get out of my shell, but i need time. Time to get over the things that have happened, give them a second thought and try to see them from another point of view.

I usually can do this on the run as things happen, clear up my mind and go with it. But sometimes, some bits remain and when i have many things running at the same time, the bits can become problems, sometimes the small things are so many that they’re bigger than the big things.

When time is a luxury and things need to be done before a deadline, stress rise like the foam of the beer. Nothing can stop it and it finally poors out of the jug. A Mental Breakdown.

I think anyone blocks once in a while, it’s normal. I think it happens to everyone, but what defines a person is how quickly they get out of the situation. How can they manage the probs and how they get out of their problems.

Everyone can do well when everything goes smoothly and downhill. That’s quite easy. But when things start to go uphill and hard the situation change, and people do one of these things:

1.- Give up, do nothing but complain about the situation
2.- Try to keep on with everything and realize too late they cant take so many things alone
3.- Let go things and keep on just with the important ones. Make a decission, dont complain.
4.- Ask for help and try to get everything done with the help of other people.

Lately i’ve been doing more number 2 and 4, but there has come a time when i realized its impossible do do everything. I got to that point on saturday evening.

My first thought was to go for 1, and i did for a while that afternoon, but then i found 3 as the best possible way. It wasnt easy and i’m still trying to find a way know what to go for…