When thoughts and feelings interact

I havent spent much time lately at home. I’ve been travelling here and there, working, on vacation, alone and with people.

I love to travel, i like to move and the feeling of not remaining still in the same place for long. And now i got it. I’ve travelled more than half of this month here and there without actually planning it as i’d had done it with a vacation. This was more like jumping from one place to another without previous notice.

Every 2 days, i got a call that i needed to go somewhere else. I know i will be travelling more this way in the near future and i think i’ll like it. I think im ready for it. Unknown destinies to do unknown activities. Unexpected.

Plans change on the run. One day im here and maybe in 3 days i’ll be somewhere else. Maybe not. For example, i know i will be going to Valencia next monday and sometime next week, i’ll have to go to Bilbao, but still dont know when exactly or for how long. Barcelona, maybe Sevilla…

It’s kinda hard sometimes to make my own plans like going to the doctor or expediting my new id card. I have to make time to handle my own personal life too. In a way, i know i can live like this because i have no attachments, no bonds and no deep  social responsabilities like a wife or children, or so i want to think. How long will this last?

But the main thing is that i move. I travel. I change. This gives me enormous pleasure because of the sensation of self awareness i have to be in almost all the time. It keeps me awake and ready. Sometimes it gets a bit hard, but most of the times, i do enjoy this way of living.  It makes me overanalize sometimes about certain things, sometimes i dont even have time before the next big thing happens…Its strange, but living every moment as a unique present event makes me reconsider many things in just a few seconds. So much information every second…processing everything is sometimes hard and tiring because different thoughts, feelings and activities come together at the very same moment.

When so many things happen in one’s life, they tend to mix and interact, but i try to keep them separated and dont let one thought interfere with another, in the sense that for example, if i got sad or annoyed because i didnt finish the work as well as i wanted, this feeling cannot condition me on how i talk with my friends or whatever other activity comes next.

I try to go with the flow, enjoy the moment as it happens and try to forget it before the next one starts. Avoid thinking about the past or try not to especulate about the future. This is not always easy and im not always able to control it, but  i try my best to keep my mental health.  I cannot let myself mix my feelings between different thougths when they are not in related activities.

Anyways, i gotta get ready to enjoy some good time at the cinema now

Long time no post

This crisis is hitting on every company over Spain, Europe and the whole world. Loads of unemployed people loosing their jobs every second day…

My company kicked out 2 people last november. 2 people meant 40% of the staff was kicked out (for those of you who are lazy: we were 5).

There  was less demand, so they didnt need so many people around. But demand didnt drop 40%…more like 20%, so the people left have in fact more work to do now than before the crisis and we, of course get paid the same. No raises, no complains, just be happy to keep the job.

In a way, i should be happy and i am happy, but somewhat it doesnt seem fair (from the worker side) for anyone: The ones that are kicked out lose their income and the ones that are left have to work harder…

I havent had much time to write anything lately due to the crisis. Maybe if i had been kicked out, i would have more free time to write in the blog, who knows.

Clay

Ever since i was little i’ve felt like a fresh and moist piece of clay.

In the beginning, people around me like my parents and my own brothers and sister were like the hands who gave shape to what i’ll later become. The situations i found myself in, the decissions i made were primarily so because of how i was shaped from the beginning. So, in a way, my parents and my brothers have a lot to do on how i am today.

Later when i grew up and no longer depended so much on my parents, i started to give shape to myself by choosing the people i wanted to be surrounded by. I was more confortable spending time and being around certain people than others because of various reasons that i felt appropiate in different points of my life. Those people i called my friends.

I’ve got in contact with many people and i’ve stayed in contact with a few. Probably and even without awareness sometimes, I picked people with certain personalities. People that had aspects in their lifes that i appreciated and in a way, i wanted them to become part of me. Take it from them, or better said, copy them and make whatever the quality they had a part of my own.

I’ve come to a point now when im starting to see that i’ve also chosen the people i dislike. Not my enemies, but people i wouldnt like to be around and people i wouldnt like to be alike. The same way i got close to the people i respected and admired, i also defined the people i didnt like, and in a way, i’ve tried to become the opposite of what they represent. So indirectly, they’ve also shaped how I am.

As the saying goes “becareful of what you wish, because you might get it”. And i’d have to say “becareful of what you dont wish, because you might get it too”.

I gotta be careful of whom i hate as much as whom i like because both will make an impact on me.

Of course, the fresh and moist clay is becoming drier and harder as time passes by, and soon, there wont be any more shaping, but keeping the integrity of the structure safe from being broken.

As my personality and beliefs that were once like clay become more and more solid, my perception of things change, and the sense of right and wrong have deeper roots in me.

Integrity

I try my best everyday conciously or unconsciously.  I’m not always aware and I’m not always successful, but i do keep it in mind. I’m proud of myself when i am consequent with my core values and ashamed when i’m not.

As when it comes to other people, I have a lot of respect for those who keep their integrity and I am pityfull and sorry for those who don’t.

This very moment

I think i’ve already posted something like this some while ago, but i feel like doing it again today so, here it is:

Ever since I was a child i’ve had a great life. Even if i didnt appreciate it, i had very good experiences and wonderful chances thanks to my parents mostly. When i grew up and was in my teenage years, i started to realise how fortunate I was with the life i had. And in my twenties, i thanked my parents for everything they did for me, everything they stopped doing too.

Some days are good, some are bad, but the overall is higher than average. Much higher. Sometimes i forget about this and i get angry for no reason. I know i shouldnt be even upset with the life i have, but this happens. It happened yesterday. Out of nowhere, anger and rage came out and i felt very bad. Luckly, it didnt last long and i managed to control it in a reasonable time.

This morning i realised again how lucky I am. How fortunate i am of having the friends i have, and having so many opportunities. Its a feeling of being concious and aware of whatever you are doing at the same moment. Watching yourself from outside and realising what you’re up to. It’s like driving your car: When i first started, i was fully aware of everything. As time passed, it became more of a habit and i didnt have to pay much attention because i took some things for granted. This feeling im talking about is like being aware of the gear you’re driving after 12 years of driving experience. A kind of awakening.

In this very moment, i cant feel but happy. And it’s great.

Im not a workaholic

I keep on repeating this to myself, but i’ve been finding myself thinking too much about my job lately. It keeps me busy one third of the day, and thinking about it another third more somedays.

Work is just work, and i dont know it absobs me so much…I should start thinking to enjoy a little bit more my private time and do different things than just think about what i’ve done and what i’ll have to do the following day.

I know this situation will come to an end, but right now, its what i care for the most and this is getting me tired…

In japanese there is a word made up for the end of this: Karoshi, which basically means “dead for overstress due to work”. I’m not even half way there anyways, so i’ll do something about this and make a turn about this soon.

shit…im late for work

30/30

Yesterday was Jan.30th and it was my 30th birthday. Quite a date.

A new decade of chances and joy. The first 30 years of my live have been tremendous and i can say without any doubt that i have been happy and very lucky.

From now on things can be different…or not. I think its up to me and what i expect. Keep the right mindset and look at life as i’ve always done: With a positive attitude.

Well, i’ll keep on bloging that’s for sure. At least i havent yet thought about quitting this.

Straight, but socially gay

I was watching this show from Jimmy Carr last night and he pointed out this expression which made me laugh so much because i think people consider me like this. Its not that i am gay, but im the king of person who would notice if you’re wearing a different tie or if your trousers are not ironed…

People in my mind

These days random thoughts occupy my mind. The mental “To Do” List is still there, but now and then, some thoughts come up without apparent order. They are not thoughts about things to be done or things that i did. Its more like thoughts about people and my relation with them. How i relate and interact with others. When was the last time we talked, what happened then, what will the next time be like, what will we say…

Its just like day dreaming. Most of the situations i imagine, wont take place in real life most of the times. In fact, i imagine dozens of situations but none of them will be anything like when the actual situation will take place.

These thoughts about people occupy my mind lately. There is no job to be done, and the task can be running in my mind forever because there is no specific goal defined on it, so there can never be a moment when i can say “this is how it’ll be like”. There is always a “what if…”.

I’ve been feeling like waiting for a call the past 3 days. Times passes by quite slowly. But at the same time, i still have stuff to do, and that makes the time fly by. So its a strange situation. In the rush of everyday life, i take some breaks to think about some people, and suddenly all stops. The birds seem to move more slowly and the clock seems to be broken. A split second that feels like an hour. A moment to think and occupy my mind in matters that are not things, but people.

Courchevel, France

Im standing in front of the Tourist Information Office here in the ski resort at Courchevel 1650. Its not very cold, although the day was quite chilly. My brothers and I went snowboarding in the 3 Valleys, and it was quite a good and tiring day. Im happy.

Im just making some time now while a few podcasts are completing downloading…still 14 mins. The wireless here at the Tourist info office is quite shitty. Instead im connected to this other one, that is slower, but with a constant signal.

Starting tomorrow, i’ll be 30 in 30 days. Makes me think about a few things…i’m getting old

So far, life’s sweet for me and i even if i get angry sometimes or annoyed by little things, i know deep down inside, i could not ask for a better life right now. More stuff? Sure…but im also starting to feel a bit stressed by all the material things around me. Im not saying i dont like things, but too much is not good sometims. I need to wipe it all off my sight to keep a clear view and not get distracted by un-important things.

8 minutes…my fingers are starting to get cold.

There is a funny music im listening to right now: “Ice ice baby…” haha…I guess someone should tell that bar owner right in front to get a new tape or something

Well well, the end of the year. How’s it been for you? Any comments, impressions…I dont know. Anything you’d like to write about, i will gladly enjoy the time reading it.

30 secs… Im outta here boys & girls. Enjoy new year’s eve and try not to spend the whole first day of 2009 in bed!

Bright and Clear

The past weeks, I’ve been travelling, moving around the south of spain for pleasure and work. I love the sensation of travelling, sleeping one day here and the next somewhere else. Moving.

There are many things happening in my life at this moment and i am back in a good mood. I started to realise how useful i am, reliable and efficient. I love the sensation of getting things done. How I  feel when, at the end of the day, I can sayto myself  ”Today was a damn good day. I did a lot of things and i made things work. I’m moving forward and I can’t wait for tomorrow to get started.  I’ve really squeezed and made the most of my time today”

 

This is basically what i’ve been telling  to myself before going to sleep in the past days.  I go to sleep happy and wake up looking forward to face the challenging situations ahead. I’m confident i can take care of them. Whatever they are, nothing is impossible, and everything can be solved sooner or later. Sometimes somethings go wrong, sure but the overall is great.

I feel very positive these days. Everything is an opportunity, a chance to make something bigger or better. In every situation i can basically take anything positive out of it in less than 10 seconds. Bad things seem smaller and the opportunity in every action, every move, every situation shines bright and clear right now.

Future

When i was just a child there was no such thing as a future. All I cared about was the present. Living the very moment of each day.

Then i started to get concious of the past and the near future. What happened, what was going to happen if i did this or i didnt. The future after an action. The result of my choices…but my sight didnt get very far. Maybe 1 or 2 years ahead.

I did take some risks in the past, without really knowing what they trully meant in that moment, without really understanding how those choices were going to make me take the paths I’ve now taken. Some doors cannot be closed after a certain time as some ways cannot be undone.

I’m now standing at the point where i’m realising that some of the choices i’ve made have put me where i am now. There is no return as one cannot un-burn a match. Once it’s done, it’s done. For good or for bad, one has to live with it.

I’m now realising more and more about the long term consequences of my actions. Not just 1 or 2 years away from now, but maybe 10 or 20 years. And this scares me. What i do now will put me where i’ll stand tomorrow. The choices cannot be taken without thinking at least a bit. Time runs fast and the time when “ah, it doesnt matter…we’re still young” is comming close to an end. I can feel it, breathing next to me. That time when “no matter what one did, it was alright because there was plenty of time ahead” is about to finish, and the actions we make now, the paths we take, will set our journey to the future.

Anything is still possible, but the feeling of no way back is very present. I have to play my cards wisely, because the deck is getting smaller as time passes by, and sooner or later, i will have to play my last cards.

As poker players, i will have to start playing with someoneelse’s cards rather than mine.

The bottom line of all this is: Now that i still can, I gotta get my game moving, set my strategy to get to where I want, what i want and how i want. the sooner the better.

I’m starting to give shape to what i want. It’s just a feeling now, growing inside me slowly. Its now only a flame, but i gotta make it bigger and bigger. Make it a burning desire to get what i want until there is no other option but to get it. A straight vision of will to what its now blurry in my sight.

I feel anxious, big expectations of something i dont even know. Something big is about to come. That’s how i feel now. I’m wondering what the near future will bring me that will set my long term future. I cannot wait, and rather than just standing here and now, i feel the urge to start running…but where?

I picture myself now standing in a flat soil. Lights are out and i feel the light is gonna turn on any second. I’m getting myself ready to get a new start. It’s all in my head now. Everything’s black and one cannot see anything. The place is full of hopes, but nothing is real yet. I know i cannot just start running and decide, make my mind on the way or change directions as i go. I need to turn the light on first and be ready to thinki twice, see the pros&cons of where i head to because nothing is black and white anymore, and some choices are not as easy as they seem.

Whatever the choice I make, i’ll have to stick with it for some time, try my best to make it work and not just try and let go, because time run fast and the deck is getting smaller and smaller with every sunrise.

business is business

Today i have realized what this sentence means: Business is business. no hard feelings. It’s just business.

As sad as it may sound, i totally understand it and I have realized that sometimes one has to look for his own well being and be an egoist motherfucker. No hard feelings. It’s just business.

I’ve been working in this job for a bit longer than a year. My first “real” job. I was putting all my effort and hopes, willingness and dreams in it. It all started off well as when you fall madly in love with something or someone: Everything’s perfect, it’s all advantages and there is no way things can be better. After 6 months, things start to not look so great. One or two “bad episodes” happen and you start to realize that maybe is not as great as you thought on the first place…but still, you like the job, enjoy the people, and well, you’re getting paid, so ok. A year after this, you start thinking and trying to make things your way and not just “the way is supposed to”, you start wondering why this is this way and not the other one, you start asking questions and you get to know how the job is: Advantages and also disadvantages. Still, you trust the company and the people who are in charge, so you keep on.

Its going to be almost 3 months since i passed my 1st year. 2 weeks ago i really understood how my job is. 2 weeks ago, this crisis that everyone’s knows about and that is all over the news hit on my company. 2 of my fellow coworkers were fired. A drastic measure to cope with the year’s forecast. They were fired 4 hours after they were told the company was going through a bad moment and some of the people would have to leave in order to let the company survive.

Today i’ve realized it was just business. No hard feelings. Numbers and results is everything that counts in business. As cold as it sound, a simple as a math result.

Today i’ve realised that the same way any company looks for its interests and the best way to survive and make profit, I have to do the same. If i can get more money in some other place, i should do so. No hard feelings. It’s just business. If i think i’m not getting the money i should, i have to speak it out. Make my point and get more.

If i put all my hopes and effort in company “A” and i get, let’s say 100, and there is a company B where putting all my hopes and effort will make me earn 300…which one should i choose? Well, numbers are numbers.

It’s not all about money, of course. The work itself has to be attractive and challenging. The people you work with also make a big difference. But in same conditions of people and work…i dont think there should be such thing as “loyalty” to the company. Not now. Not today that i’ve realized that the company will not show any loyalty back. It’s normal. That’s the way things go in business. If you dont like it, dont get into it.

As long as you do your job and make the company make his money, you’ll keep the job. If the company depends on you, you’ll keep the job. If none of the previous premises are true, the company will “let you go”. That’s business.

Right here & Right now

Some months ago, my sister did a intelligence test on me and the results were revealing. One of the things she said was that i had a bad memory. I agreed.

I tend to write down what i have to do so i dont have to remember it.

I think i read it somewhere: The best way to do anything was focusing 100% on what you were doing in that very moment without distracting yourself in any other thing. It is hard to get things done if you’re thinking about what happened last week or what you have to do tomorrow or the next week.

I stopped writing down what i had to, and my memory is getting lazy…so i find myself sometimes taking this “focus on what you are doing right now” idea to the extrem. And it’s becoming a bit of a problem sometimes. I dont like to keep my mind busy with things that are not what i have to do in each moment, and im having some trouble planning things ahead. I do things as they come, I live today and right now as if it was the only important thing.

I feel im loosing the big picture. I enjoy more or less what i do, but i am unable to plan ahead. This doesnt worry me since i know i will be able to get whatever comes done, but it bothers me somehow.

I guess this is one of the downsides of being totally ok with everything. Or almost anything. If it rains, im ok. If i have to go here, its ok. If instead i have to go there, its still ok. I dont care much ‘cos i know i will be fine anywhere.

I lost a bit of motivation, ambition, willingness to do stuff. I’ve been like this for a few weeks now and im trying to figure out why. Lack of interest for things, people, situations…i just dont care. The fact that nothing bothers me, bothers me. Im not feeling confortable and i need to be willing to do something. Something i really enjoy doing. Doing things for myself, things i like, things i want to…But right now, im not. I dont find myself willing to do things just because i feel like. I do things because i have to, im supposed to or because someone told me i should. I’m letting other people guide me and take me anywhere. I follow them as long as i feel like, with no special interest or purpose.

My mind is blank. Like a new sheet of paper. Totally white. I dont care if people write on it. I dont care if people draw whatever they feel like. I’m alright with it. I basically feel ok with anything, ‘cos i still think i can always take a new sheet of paper and start writing whatever i want. The past will mean nothing. Whatever i feel like i will be able to write…but what do i want? Haha. The eternal question. What do i need? Right now, to be honest, i’d say nothing. I’m ok with what i have. And if i sometimes feel i’d like a change, my inner motivation is not strong enough to get me out of my present state.

I’m sure of what i dont want, but if i ask myself right here & right now: What do i want?…I dont know.

Crystal clear

This post is a follow up of the one i did before. I have started walking in this direction not so long ago and i want to figure out where will this path take me and whether it’ll get me any closer to my goal in this life or not.

The point i want to make in this post is that sometimes people talk and talk about things without making any clear statement about what they’re really talking about, and this can become a barrier of communication sometimes. I’ve seen this a lot in business and also in human relations. I do it too sometimes: Not to give a clear response to what I think about a subject because it might be too raw, too cruel or as people say sometimes “politically incorrect”.

This type of direct questions and answers i’m refering to cannot be put into practice just with anyone, because of the society we live in and how it is structured. We (and i include myself in all this thought) tend to tell white lies sometimes or unclear answers not to be too rude or sound too cruel sometimes. Not to define what we really and trully want to say. This leads to misunderstandings and unconfortable situations in the future that could had been avoided if another speech had been used at the right time.

I’m talking about being crystal clear about what one thinks or says when talking about a subject. Im not saying everything has to be white or black, yes or no. I believe there is a rainbow of different answers one can choose from depending of his way of looking at the world. Depending on one’s reality a situation can be one way or the other, but there is always an accurate way to define it.

There are times when it’s better to call a thing or a situation by it’s name. No double meanings or fuzzy answers. A crystal clear speech. If for example, you have a bottle of milk in your hands and someone asks you about what you are holding, an accurate answer would be “a bottle of milk”. No doubts about it. No possible way of misunderstanding. If on the other hand you say “something white that i like to drink”. Still is an answer but it leads to confusion and not knowing what one is really holding. Im not saying this is not a good answer. Im just saying that there is a much simple way to answer the question, also correct, that is more precise and leaves no place for wrong interpretations. It’s simple, does the work and also saves time.

The majority of situations in life are much more complicated than holding a bottle of milk i know, but there is always a way to find the exact words to describe what the situation is, how did one got there and what should one do afterwards. A simple way to describe facts. A direct and honest way to describe the reality around oneself that leaves no doubt about where one stands.

Im starting to apply this to my own thoughts and behaviours with myself and those around me.