Cant Stop

For a while i thought “Forever” was gonna be my last post…you know….nothing is forever, and neither was this blog. I thought it was a nice way to wrap all these years up…but life goes on.

Somehow i need to express myself out loud. I just need to keep on with it as a way to clear things up. That was the original purpose of this blog. I’ve kept my word on “the rules” i set myself, and only wrote whenever i felt like. And now im back on feeling like writing things.

I guess i had long rest period. Life has been so intense that if i stopped to write about it, i was afraid i was gonna miss some of it. And i didnt want to.

Work has been keeping myself busy. My goals (yep, i do set some goals at the beginning of the year) are going on quite well and im living just as i want.

The only “problem” i have now is that I achieved some of my expectations. As someone said, “becareful of what you wish for, because it might come true”. And i am seeing every day how i am step by step getting to the goals i set. And its a bit scary.

I cannot let fear be a part of my life. Cannot let myself hold up on whatever i want to do just because im afraid of something. Something that might happen…Preocupations cannot set my schedule and i gotta live life to the fullest. All days, every single day. That’s what i’ve been repeating myself over and over these past few days.

Nothing is stopping me from getting where i want, where i set my goals…so why would I? Why would i set myself boundaries not to achieve what i want? Why would i not let myself be happy?

One is always a bit…i cannot find the word. Is not unsatisfied, but “100% happy”. One can always imagine a better situation. Even if one won the lottery, he would still be worried for the money at some level.

I’ve got everything i can imagine in almost every aspect of my life now, and i cannot seem to let go this unsatisfaction feeling. Why am i holding on to it?

I guess im a bit scared everything is perfect and things can only go down from here. Could i keep on climbing up? Is this it? Is there more i could ask for?…

The feeling of losing it all, the sensation of speed…things are getting out of control now, and i cannot handle so much happiness <- Wtf??

Anyways, im over-happy (if this word exists), and i gotta go back to find the balance in my life.

Life goes on and smiling too much is making my mouth muscles soar. I need to balance it all up.

Forever

Last saturday was my 31st birthday. I’m no longer young. I think my mental barrier was set at 30. You know…at that age one can still consider oneself in the late late twenties…but 31, is definedly not a teen age anymore, no matter the perspective or the attitude one keeps.

Im starting to fully understand now, as I get older that “every act has a consequence” and that we have to live life at its fulliest.

“Forever” is no longer in my mental vocab, and I’m coming to understand more and more clearly that nothing lasts for ever. Things change, people change…nothing is eternal and we are here on this earth for just a definate period of time.

Is not that im pesimistic, i think it’s just a fact of life. Keeping this in mind, one should make the best of his life. Enjoy every moment but also being responsible. The idea of  ”everything is allowed” does not entirely fit my way of doing things. Well, i’d add a second part to this sentece: “everything is allowed as long as you are prepared for the consequences and you think you can take them”. Every action brings a reaction, and everything that one does will make a change on something or someone. It might not be a big change. Maybe just a slight perception over something, but after a while, this might become bigger, depending on our actions or emotions afterwards. So, one has to be careful with what road to choose. And also when to choose it.

I’m no longer 21 and I dont have “all my life ahead of me” as i used to think. This doesnt mean life is over. On the contrary, i now have more chances than maybe 10 years ago to, for example, travel.

No regrets, no turnbacks. Life is a one-chance-only game. Our lives are not like a game that we can save before some difficulty and tryout the risky scenario with the knowledge and confidence that no matter if we dont get it right at first, one can always go back and re-start just where one left it.

This thought doesnt stop me from doing things that i like or that i consider risky. It just makes me more aware of every situation. I try to weigh the pros and cons, the odds and the chances. what are the probabilities that something cannot go the way i planned it?, what are the probabilities that something could go wrong…or even terribly wrong?.  And in that case, would i be able to assume it?

This new feeling of awareness on everyday situation has followed me for some time and has made me think.

Life expectations and motivations have also popped up in my head. How good is one’s life? Where is the reference? Do i have to compare it with my life before now?, with other people’s life at  the same age? with my own expectation and plans?

There is no need for comparaisons. As long as one’s happy, that’s all that one should care about. Nothing is forever. Our time is limited, and even if we could have done something different some time before, we have to go on with the path we decided to take when we got to the crossroad. Whatever made us take that path and not another one is long gone. No need to think about it. No need to think of “what if…”.

Life is like a box of chocolates, and one has to eat the chocolates to enjoy it. Try them. There will be a few that we’ll love, some others might leave a sorrow taste. They’re all good. In fact without bitter moments, without feeling the fear sometimes, we wouldnt have the chance to enjoy some sweet moments in a much intense way as if life was all about just good without bad.

So to sum up: Enjoy your life. You’re the star, the director and the producer. Make whatever you want with it and be sure of what you want. Or at least, try to see where you’re heading to. There might be no second chance, you might be walking a one-way street. Dont look back, put a smile on your face and keep walking. Whatever comes next will make you stronger and improve your life skills.

You’ll change.

Life is change.

Happiness never stays still and you’ll have to always chase it…

…but not forever

new year, new way

So, i downloaded this app for wordpress and ill try to blog from my blackberry. Its not really microblogging, but somehow these posts will be shorter than the usual posts.

Just checking. This is a tryout anyways. Lets see if it works

Stop and think

Well, it’s been a very long time. I almost thought i was not going to write back again…i just didnt feel like it for a while.

I have been very busy travelling for work and for pleasure. It got sometimes boring and had to find a balance between travelling and staying home.

My work has kept me thinking. A lot. About changes, about making a move, about leaving or staying.

Today, after a long talk with my boss yesterday i am happy and looking forward to start a new field in the same work. I bought his talk.

I find myself very motivated to start learning again some new stuff. I think i was getting bored because i wasnt learning anything new, just working on the same thing with different situations.

At the same time i keep in the back of my head the door open for other opportunities “just in case”.

In the past weeks, when i was in a peak of stress and just wanted to leave everything away, i did some CV sending and job searching…I guess, these moves will come back sometime along the year and i’ll think about a bigger and more serious change. For now,  i am happy as i am. I could complain, sure. I’ve already did yesterday . But at the end of the day, if complaining doesnt get you anywhere, either you stay or you leave.

For now, im staying.

The comfort zone

A lot of the people i know live in their comfort zone.  Despite the name, it also involves some danger.

I am feeling myself entering slowly to a comfort zone and this is making me at the same time axious.

I like my job. I’m good at it. I get things done and feel like moving forward almost everyday. I feel as if i could handle it all and my role could expand to higher levels.

This idea has been running in my head for sometime now. Nothing serious, but it’s there. As my coworker said the other day, “once it’s there, sooner or later it will have to become true”. I guess she’s right.

No job is forever and one should always think about changing and improving one’s skills. If not within the same company, changing jobs every once in a while.

One should always look for self improvement in any aspect of one’s life actually…

Anyways, going back to the first idea of the comfort zone, i think i have to be careful and watch out before i step too into it and feel scared when the time to move comes. Sooner or later. The seed is already in the soil, and it will grow for sure.

Life is good

I am living a good time. A time of balance between work and life.

I am travelling, doing what i like most, enjoying life’s little happy moments and taking it easy.

Nevertheless, there is still something missing. I feel there is something I’m not doing and i should be…

I like to be independent, do as i please, meet people that come and go in my life. On the other hand, i also want to share these moments with someone special. Not my family or close friends, but someone unique.

Mmm…i read myself and it seems quite clear im lacking some tlc.

I havent been looking for it and i surely wont in the next couple of months  (or at least i want to belive so), but the thing is that I’m coming to a point in life when i’m starting to see the importance, or should i better say the happiness that sharing with others can bring to one’s life.

Well, if it has to happen, it will happen. Until then, i’ll keep on enjoying life as it comes.

Life is good

Personality goes a long way

I was talking with my housemate the other day about personality and self confidence. How things in life strength it or weaken one’s self image and security.

In general aspects, I like to chill, relax and let myself go with the flow as if i was a log in a river stream. I think i can adapt myself to almost any other personality or situation, reinvent myself and change as much as i need to without the fear of loosing my own perspective. I tend to think that the core of my personality remains the same even if i change some ways of doing things or some thoughts. As Bruce Lee once said “Be water my friend”.

There are times when I like to go with the flow and follow someone else because its easier, but i also like to feel in control of whatever is happening. Sounds contradictory, but in a way, its not.  Im not just a follower, and i like to see myself as a leader who chooses to follow, which is totally different. Its the freedom of choice. When i choose to follow someone, im doing it because i want to. I choose to do it as long as i want to. If i ever get tired or bored, i can always choose not to or choose to lead.

Whenever i feel i am following someone for too long, i feel my personality melts with the other one´s and this can be good or bad depending on the context and the situation. These days, I feel im fading away too much into the people around me and my personality does no longer exists, i cannot keep on choosing and my core is starting to loose its shape. I dont want to become just a follower without any leading power or will, and i need to feel in control of my own will, my own decissions and my life.

There is a saying in spanish: “When in Rome, do as the romans do”. Meaning that when someone gets to a new place, one should adapt to the new conditions and enviroment and not the other way around. I try to do this, but always keeping a balance between how i am supposed to do things and how i want to do them. Its quite easy in general as i said before, but sometimes i like to go back to my own way of doing things to strength my own believes and self confidence.

I dont like people who just follow a leader without any question or doubt. Its always good to keep one’s way of thinking and not be caught up in the mob. Think and challenge every moment, and if you’re not confortable with it, instead of complaining or moaning, make a move and make things happen the way you want to. Be active, take your chances or shut up and keep on walking.

Whatever you choose, it’s your choice and no-one else’s.

When thoughts and feelings interact

I havent spent much time lately at home. I’ve been travelling here and there, working, on vacation, alone and with people.

I love to travel, i like to move and the feeling of not remaining still in the same place for long. And now i got it. I’ve travelled more than half of this month here and there without actually planning it as i’d had done it with a vacation. This was more like jumping from one place to another without previous notice.

Every 2 days, i got a call that i needed to go somewhere else. I know i will be travelling more this way in the near future and i think i’ll like it. I think im ready for it. Unknown destinies to do unknown activities. Unexpected.

Plans change on the run. One day im here and maybe in 3 days i’ll be somewhere else. Maybe not. For example, i know i will be going to Valencia next monday and sometime next week, i’ll have to go to Bilbao, but still dont know when exactly or for how long. Barcelona, maybe Sevilla…

It’s kinda hard sometimes to make my own plans like going to the doctor or expediting my new id card. I have to make time to handle my own personal life too. In a way, i know i can live like this because i have no attachments, no bonds and no deep  social responsabilities like a wife or children, or so i want to think. How long will this last?

But the main thing is that i move. I travel. I change. This gives me enormous pleasure because of the sensation of self awareness i have to be in almost all the time. It keeps me awake and ready. Sometimes it gets a bit hard, but most of the times, i do enjoy this way of living.  It makes me overanalize sometimes about certain things, sometimes i dont even have time before the next big thing happens…Its strange, but living every moment as a unique present event makes me reconsider many things in just a few seconds. So much information every second…processing everything is sometimes hard and tiring because different thoughts, feelings and activities come together at the very same moment.

When so many things happen in one’s life, they tend to mix and interact, but i try to keep them separated and dont let one thought interfere with another, in the sense that for example, if i got sad or annoyed because i didnt finish the work as well as i wanted, this feeling cannot condition me on how i talk with my friends or whatever other activity comes next.

I try to go with the flow, enjoy the moment as it happens and try to forget it before the next one starts. Avoid thinking about the past or try not to especulate about the future. This is not always easy and im not always able to control it, but  i try my best to keep my mental health.  I cannot let myself mix my feelings between different thougths when they are not in related activities.

Anyways, i gotta get ready to enjoy some good time at the cinema now

Long time no post

This crisis is hitting on every company over Spain, Europe and the whole world. Loads of unemployed people loosing their jobs every second day…

My company kicked out 2 people last november. 2 people meant 40% of the staff was kicked out (for those of you who are lazy: we were 5).

There  was less demand, so they didnt need so many people around. But demand didnt drop 40%…more like 20%, so the people left have in fact more work to do now than before the crisis and we, of course get paid the same. No raises, no complains, just be happy to keep the job.

In a way, i should be happy and i am happy, but somewhat it doesnt seem fair (from the worker side) for anyone: The ones that are kicked out lose their income and the ones that are left have to work harder…

I havent had much time to write anything lately due to the crisis. Maybe if i had been kicked out, i would have more free time to write in the blog, who knows.

Clay

Ever since i was little i’ve felt like a fresh and moist piece of clay.

In the beginning, people around me like my parents and my own brothers and sister were like the hands who gave shape to what i’ll later become. The situations i found myself in, the decissions i made were primarily so because of how i was shaped from the beginning. So, in a way, my parents and my brothers have a lot to do on how i am today.

Later when i grew up and no longer depended so much on my parents, i started to give shape to myself by choosing the people i wanted to be surrounded by. I was more confortable spending time and being around certain people than others because of various reasons that i felt appropiate in different points of my life. Those people i called my friends.

I’ve got in contact with many people and i’ve stayed in contact with a few. Probably and even without awareness sometimes, I picked people with certain personalities. People that had aspects in their lifes that i appreciated and in a way, i wanted them to become part of me. Take it from them, or better said, copy them and make whatever the quality they had a part of my own.

I’ve come to a point now when im starting to see that i’ve also chosen the people i dislike. Not my enemies, but people i wouldnt like to be around and people i wouldnt like to be alike. The same way i got close to the people i respected and admired, i also defined the people i didnt like, and in a way, i’ve tried to become the opposite of what they represent. So indirectly, they’ve also shaped how I am.

As the saying goes “becareful of what you wish, because you might get it”. And i’d have to say “becareful of what you dont wish, because you might get it too”.

I gotta be careful of whom i hate as much as whom i like because both will make an impact on me.

Of course, the fresh and moist clay is becoming drier and harder as time passes by, and soon, there wont be any more shaping, but keeping the integrity of the structure safe from being broken.

As my personality and beliefs that were once like clay become more and more solid, my perception of things change, and the sense of right and wrong have deeper roots in me.

Integrity

I try my best everyday conciously or unconsciously.  I’m not always aware and I’m not always successful, but i do keep it in mind. I’m proud of myself when i am consequent with my core values and ashamed when i’m not.

As when it comes to other people, I have a lot of respect for those who keep their integrity and I am pityfull and sorry for those who don’t.

This very moment

I think i’ve already posted something like this some while ago, but i feel like doing it again today so, here it is:

Ever since I was a child i’ve had a great life. Even if i didnt appreciate it, i had very good experiences and wonderful chances thanks to my parents mostly. When i grew up and was in my teenage years, i started to realise how fortunate I was with the life i had. And in my twenties, i thanked my parents for everything they did for me, everything they stopped doing too.

Some days are good, some are bad, but the overall is higher than average. Much higher. Sometimes i forget about this and i get angry for no reason. I know i shouldnt be even upset with the life i have, but this happens. It happened yesterday. Out of nowhere, anger and rage came out and i felt very bad. Luckly, it didnt last long and i managed to control it in a reasonable time.

This morning i realised again how lucky I am. How fortunate i am of having the friends i have, and having so many opportunities. Its a feeling of being concious and aware of whatever you are doing at the same moment. Watching yourself from outside and realising what you’re up to. It’s like driving your car: When i first started, i was fully aware of everything. As time passed, it became more of a habit and i didnt have to pay much attention because i took some things for granted. This feeling im talking about is like being aware of the gear you’re driving after 12 years of driving experience. A kind of awakening.

In this very moment, i cant feel but happy. And it’s great.

Im not a workaholic

I keep on repeating this to myself, but i’ve been finding myself thinking too much about my job lately. It keeps me busy one third of the day, and thinking about it another third more somedays.

Work is just work, and i dont know it absobs me so much…I should start thinking to enjoy a little bit more my private time and do different things than just think about what i’ve done and what i’ll have to do the following day.

I know this situation will come to an end, but right now, its what i care for the most and this is getting me tired…

In japanese there is a word made up for the end of this: Karoshi, which basically means “dead for overstress due to work”. I’m not even half way there anyways, so i’ll do something about this and make a turn about this soon.

shit…im late for work

30/30

Yesterday was Jan.30th and it was my 30th birthday. Quite a date.

A new decade of chances and joy. The first 30 years of my live have been tremendous and i can say without any doubt that i have been happy and very lucky.

From now on things can be different…or not. I think its up to me and what i expect. Keep the right mindset and look at life as i’ve always done: With a positive attitude.

Well, i’ll keep on bloging that’s for sure. At least i havent yet thought about quitting this.

Straight, but socially gay

I was watching this show from Jimmy Carr last night and he pointed out this expression which made me laugh so much because i think people consider me like this. Its not that i am gay, but im the king of person who would notice if you’re wearing a different tie or if your trousers are not ironed…